Next
by Marmalah
Summary: When he realizes Dean is gone, really gone, without any trace of him left behind except for a few fraying shirts and some guns and Sam's memories, Sam holes himself up in a crappy motel room and tries to figure out what to do next. semi-spoilers for the end of s7, language, angsty!Sam


_Okay, wow. First I'm gonna start by saying HEY EVERYONE. I'm so sorry that I just disappeared... A few things happened in RL and I haven't had the inspiration to write since... like over a year ago. It's been killing me, seriously. I don't know if it's just a gigantic case of writer's block or what, but I gotta say that it just sucks. Like, even school essays are hard. I have the sentences in my head but the words don't come out right. So, I'm sorry. But, the other day in the car, I was listening to some song that I don't really recall now, and this little thing popped into my head. It's the shortest thing ever and I don't even know if I should be posting it, because it's not really a drabble, but it's not a short story or just anything, it's a lbkjdlajfkldj. I feel bad that this is all I have to offer after such a long absence, but hopefully some more random ideas will pop into my head and I'll be able to write something. Hooray!_

**This has spoilers for the end of season 7, though they're really REALLY vague so yeah. This is just my thoughts on Sam and how he felt when Dean just disappeared after killin' Dick. I hate that everyone bashes him because he didn't get Dean out of Purgatory. That doesn't mean his world wasn't turned upside down. More rants at the end of the story... hehe.**

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When he realizes Dean is gone, really gone, without any trace of him left behind except for a few fraying shirts and some guns and Sam's memories, Sam holes himself up in a shitty motel room. It's the closest thing he's ever had to home, and while he never really feels safe, it's the closest he's ever going to get. He sits on the creaking mattress - the one farthest from the door, like always - and stares at the empty bed next to him.

He doesn't know why he got a room with two beds; force of habit, he thinks, and it gives him goosebumps to think that he will always be doing that, like Dean is a ghost that he can't quite feel, looming around him at all times. Saying things like "Sammy," in his ear, and yelling that he'd hit the brakes too hard and he'd damaged the car, or telling him he needed to cut his damn hair already.

He feels his eyes well up, just on the verge of breaking apart and collapsing on the filthy, hard carpet, but he holds it back. He should be used to this, it's happened so many times, but he doesn't think that he'll ever get used to the feeling of being completely alone. No one left to sit next to and just drink away all the shit he's dealt with or whatever the hell he's feeling. Not even Bobby is there anymore, which is just odd in and of itself because Bobby was always there, even when he never wanted to be.

There is something inside of him screaming that he's wasting time, just sitting around like this. He should be looking for his brother or researching - researching what, he doesn't know. Maybe if he googles "what happens to you after you kill a Leviathan and get covered in the black goo it's made from?" will bring up something, but he's not too sure about that, so he puts his head in his hands and tries not to let the scream inside of him come out.

His leg is shaking, bouncing up and down like it has a mind of his own, and then it spreads to his other leg and he can't help but jump up. He runs his hands through his hair, pacing back and forth in front of the beds like a man without a purpose, which is exactly how he feels right now. What is he supposed to do? Leave Dean alone (because he'd said they should stop doing this, sacrificing themselves for one another like the constant spinning of a carousel), or search until the ends of the earth for someone that might not even be on it anymore?

While there is one part of Sam that wants to just stay locked in the room until the manager is banging on the door because he never paid for more than one night, only to find out that Sam is laying on the bed, dead from thirst or hunger or whatever the hell he dies from, the other part just wants to get into the Impala and drive and drive, and pretend he can hear Dean snoring in the seat next to him or telling him he'd taken the turn too fast, until he runs out of gas. And he would just get out and walk until his body can't hold him anymore or his feet go numb.

Both options sound pretty good to him, but maybe he'll just stay here, because his eyes are sliding shut and he kind of just wants to forget everything and forget that Dean is not in that bed, and sleep will do that, if only for a short time. He lays down, facing the empty bed, and imagines Dean is singing Hey Jude, and somehow he actually falls asleep, maybe with a tear running down his cheek or maybe with a small smile on his face. Either way, the bed is not empty and there are two brothers in the motel room, always together no matter where they are.

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_Alrighty, if you got through that kind of pointless thing... but about the fans reactions to Sam not going chasing after Dean - that doesn't mean he doesn't love his brother to death. There has to come a time when one of them realizes that they can't keep dying for each other because it just doesn't end up going good for them. I mean I'm not thrilled that Sam decided to stay with Amelia (I didn't really like her or the storyline), But still. sam has suffered, too. Meh. Whatevs. Read, review, favorite, anything. See ya guys soon (hopefully)._


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